Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
This was a bad idea all around
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
PARKOUR
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!