To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
happy valentine’s day to me
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”