Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
This is painfully accurate 😅