If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Harsh but fair
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST