Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate