Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
best first i’ve ever seen
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.