[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My neck my back my allergy attack
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”