Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
This was a bad idea all around
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Clients after you give them your rates
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?