Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.