[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Cucumbers Anonymous