we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Many hands make light work
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt