[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
You Might Also Like
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.