I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
#SuperBowl
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.