Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.