I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.