GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
pat pat