people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.