Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
You Might Also Like
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.