ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Received some very disappointing news today
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Pot warmers of the day.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended