It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.