Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
You Might Also Like
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant