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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone