Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee