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I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*