interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
2022 be like
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
They’re on their honeymoon
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?