“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.