“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.