THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.