I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.