me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
i can’t wait that long
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.