Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
If you know, you know
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If only
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.