I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
New tinder profile pic
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*