When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin