if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again