[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl