They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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All excellent questions
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣