Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The government even made aliens boring
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands