I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
You Might Also Like
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
wow he looks just like him
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
lol
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”