Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me 2 months after i graduated
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?