Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
this makes me so uncomfortable
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
What an awful time to have common sense.