Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.