I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know