I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
You Might Also Like
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh