me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
You Might Also Like
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Just a friendly reminder!
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”