I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!