God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
3% human
97% stress
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire