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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*sewing*
A thread
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
💻🤡
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.