extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Pandas 🐼🖤
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins