My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth