At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.